I scraped my knees while I was praying

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I scraped my knees while I was praying And found a demon in my safest haven. Seems like it’s getting harder to believe in anything. Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts .I wanna know what it’d be like to find perfection in my pride, To see nothing in the light. But turn it off in all my spite, in all my spite. I’ll turn it off The tragedy, it seems unending I’m watching everyone I looked up to breaking, bending. We’re taking shortcuts and false solutions.  Just to come out the hero, Well I can see behind the curtain. The wheels are cranking turning It’s all wrong the way we’re working, Towards a goal, that’s non-existent, it’s non-existent But we just keep believing. And the worst part is, before it gets any better We’re headed for a cliff. And in the free fall I will realize I’m better off when I hit the bottom

Here with Me , Susie Suh

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Caught in the riptide I was searching for the truth There was a reason I collided into you Calling your name in the midnight hour Reaching for you from the endless dream So many miles between us now But you are always here with me Nobody knows why Nobody knows how This feeling begins just like a spark Tossing and turning inside of your heart Exploding in the dark Calling your name in the midnight hour Reaching for you from the endless dream So many miles between us now But you are always here with me Oh inside of me I find my way back to you Back to you Calling your name in the midnight hour Reaching for you from the endless dream So many miles between us now But you are always here with me you are always here with me.

Irish beauty
The real me
in all flaws

A blessing and A Crurse

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        I was always a sensitive child. Affected so easily for most of my teens and twenties I just  chalked it up to being  puberty . “My body must just produces more hormones”. My emotions have always been my driving force. Reacting accordingly never really gaining control of them. I found myself always pulling against the stream. Everything affected me, and older I got the more lost I felt. Most days I woke with this heaviness in my chest, so many times I cried without knowing why.

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I’ve wanted so much to become leader to many. For as far back as I can remember I’ve wanted to help others in one way or another. As I’ve grown that desire has only manifested into a deep passion to help others face their hardest struggles and fears. To help awaking light within them,  find spiritual healing. I want to touch and inspire everyone around me. My heart has always been my most coveted characteristic. My emotions and feelings are both a blessing and a curse. When I look into the eyes of a stranger I see myself and I feel it as if I was them. Although troubling at times I know this ability is my special gift from the heavens.

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      Only 25 years young and I have fought many battles. I’ve had to overcome my worldly flesh. My emotions too intense I had to fight myself over and over again just to keep my head above water . I’ve almost lost myself once or twice  to this demon that like to disguise herself as a friend.

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    She had a powerful hold on me. The tighter her grip got the more helpless I became. Consuming my soul with every passing day. At first she disguised herself as a friend by taking away the pain, tension and the weight of the world. She made me feel so light footed, I felt I could almost float on up in to the stars. Deception has a way of make you blind to the truth,  naive in a way. But her heart was black like tar. So sticky, she sticks to everything, infecting it, blackening it with filth. She went by many names that should of detoured me but her lies took root and fooled me. The very sound of her name comes with a warning label, proceed with serious caution. I’ve heard many nick names, from her victims. Everyone  of em showing casing her dark possession. Tar, brown, H, China White and most well known as Heroin.

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Facing my demands was definitely a dark time in my life. Scared and lonely. I was a different person than I am today. My emotions are very much alive, my feelings affect me physically. I carry this weight in my chest still fighting the current, on daily basis. A curse but also a treasured gift, that mustn’t be numbed. Everyday I learn more about myself some days are harder but no matter the outcome I always grow a little stronger. Flaws can be so beautiful if looks at with an open heart.

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Mama

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Happy 24th year of being a mother. Twenty-four years of having the coolest, most loving mom a person could ask for. A mother who has had to fight my whole life to make sure she was a part of it. You took my hand and showed me how to stand, to walk, and how to dance with every changing season of my life. And when things got dark and evil tried to consume me; you lit the brightest lanterns and held them high even when no one else would. So that I could find my way home again. With ever depressing thought of mine, you replaced it with nothing but love and praise. You never let me forget how beautiful I really am. My dreams became your dreams. And you un-knowingly replaced all your dreams for yourself, with dreams of every one of your six kids.
So many moments have come and gone since I become an adult, where all I wanted to do was run and collapse in your un- failing love. Moments where I stopped and wish you her to share a laugh with; those times I wanted your option and advice on the daily trials of my life. Those Karaoke nights. And So many Saturdays mornings where I wish you were here to wake me up to go have breakfast tacos at our favorite mexican restraint and then drive in circles around town looking for garage sales. HOW I MISS THOSE DAYS WE SHARED JUST THE TWO OF US.
I wish on this Mothers Day I had money to send you to a day at the spa where you can be taken care of for once. I wish I could send you a dozen roses for every twenty-four years you’ve been my mother. Sorry that life has emptied my pockets with bills. You deserve all of that and so much more. And I can’t wait tell the day I can give it to you.
So today on Mother’s Day I hope that at least I have been able to express to you how much you mean to me; and how much I hate the miles between us. I love you mommy. This is to the greatest mom and my best friend…. Happy Mother’s Day! I hope it’s full of many smiles and so much happiness!

Mothers day letter 2014

Irish beauty
The real me
in all flaws

Let the Rain Pour

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The welcoming rain soaked my hair but I did not care.  The energy from each drop put life back into me and the worries of this world that plagued me were gone. “So beautiful, so freeing.” I began to run, to dance, to play.  And the rain poured on. Falling so heavy, you could barely see a foot in front of you.  I was incased in it.  My heart sang and happiness washed over me. Finally, I allowed myself to claps onto the soaked grass in front on my house. I laughed uncontrollably for what seemed like a long time. Then I closed my eyes and thanked god for the healing he poured on me.

Irish beauty
The real me
in all flaws

Music that’s ment for your soul

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“Who You Are” by Jessie J

I stare at my reflection in the mirror:

“Why am I doing this to myself?”
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf.
No, no, no, no, no…

Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart.
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
(who you are [11x])

Brushing my hair—do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mould, yeah!
The more I try the less it’s working, yeah
‘Cause everything inside me screams
No, no, no, no, no…

Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart.
But tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
There’s nothing wrong with who you are!

Yes, no, egos, fake shows, like whoa!
Just go and leave me alone!
Real talk, real life, good love, goodnight,
With a smile that’s my home!
That’s my home, no…

No, no, no, no, no…

Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay…
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart.
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
Yeah yeah yeah

Juventa ft. Kelly Sweet – Superhuman Lyrics
Hold me up And take me in I’m losing it Lost again So maybe I fall Maybe I fail Maybe my hearts not made of stone Maybe you’ll see Secrets I’d never want to show But I can’t help it I’m not superhuman I’m breaking Don’t let me fall apart But I can’t help it I’m not superhuman I’m breaking Don’t let me fall apart So maybe I fall Maybe I fail Maybe my hearts not made of stone Maybe you’ll see Secrets I’d never want to show But I can’t help it I’m not superhuman I’m breaking Don’t let me fall apart But I can’t help it I’m not superhuman I’m breaking Don’t let me fall apart But I can’t help it I’m not superhuman I’m breaking Don’t let me fall apart But I can’t help it I’m not superhuman I’m breaking Don’t let me fall apart